Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
